Managing Bi Identity in Marriage: Finding Your Anchor in San Diego

Hello, SDBiGirls community! Today, we’re diving into a topic that many of us face: maintaining and celebrating our bisexual identity when we’re in a committed, long-term relationship—especially one that might look straight from the outside. For married bisexual women in San Diego, this journey can present unique challenges, often dubbed bi-erasure in mixed-orientation relationships.

Whether you’re married to a man, a woman, or a non-binary partner, your attraction to more than one gender doesn’t disappear when you say “I do.” It’s an essential part of who you are, and it deserves to be seen, affirmed, and celebrated.

The Challenge of “Invisible” Bisexuality

When you’re in a monogamous mixed-sex marriage (often read as a “straight” marriage), you face a particular form of erasure. The world—and sometimes even your partner—might assume your bisexuality was a phase, or that your marriage means you’ve “chosen a side.”

This is a common experience for partnered bi women in San Diego and beyond. It can lead to internal feelings of isolation or a sense that you’re no longer “queer enough” for the wider LGBTQ+ community.

💡 Three Ways to Affirm Your Bi Identity Within Your Marriage

Affirming your identity is an ongoing process. Here are a few ways to keep your bi-flag flying high, right at home:

1. Open Communication with Your Partner

Your partner is your anchor, and they are your most important ally against bi-erasure.

• Educate and Validate: Don’t assume your partner fully understands the nuances of bisexuality. Talk openly about the biphobia and invisibility you encounter. Explain that your attraction is still valid, even if your marriage is monogamous.
• Share Your Attractions (Appropriately): Talk about your attractions to other genders in a way that is respectful of your monogamous commitment, just as a straight person might acknowledge an attractive celebrity. The key is to include all genders in these conversations.
• Affirmation Rituals: Ask your partner to verbally affirm your identity. It might feel silly at first, but hearing them say, “I love my bisexual wife,” can be incredibly powerful.

2. Embrace Bi-Visibility in Your Personal Life

Visibility doesn’t always mean marching in a parade (though that’s great too!). It can be quiet and personal.

• Queer Media Consumption: Actively seek out books, movies, and podcasts that feature healthy, visible bisexual women in long-term relationships. Share these with your partner.
• Fly the Colors: Consider incorporating bi-flag colors (pink, purple, and blue) into your home or personal accessories. A tiny pin or a piece of jewelry can be a daily reminder of who you are.
• The “Out” Script: Decide on a simple, consistent way to identify yourself as bi when you introduce yourself as a couple. For example: “This is my husband, Steve, and I’m a bi woman.”

3. Connect with the San Diego Bi+ Community

It’s vital to have a space where your identity is the default, not the exception. Connecting with other San Diego bi women can combat that feeling of being misunderstood.

• SDBiGirls Events: Keep an eye on our event calendar! We create spaces where you can connect with other bi+ women who get it, regardless of your relationship status.
• The Center’s Support Groups: The San Diego LGBT Community Center offers various women’s and bi-specific discussion groups. This is a great way to find San Diego bi women support groups for partnered individuals, where you can share your experience.
• Affirming Therapy: If you’re struggling with internalized biphobia or your partner is having a hard time, look for an LGBTQ-affirming couples therapist in San Diego. Professionals who specialize in queer relationships can provide invaluable guidance.

💖 You Are Not Half of a Person

Remember, your bisexuality is not a temporary state, and it is not defined by the gender of the person you chose to marry. It is a full, valid, and beautiful orientation. You are not “half-straight” or “half-gay”—you are whole, and you are bi.

San Diego is a city that celebrates diverse love, and we, your community at SDBiGirls, celebrate you and your commitment to both your marriage and your authentic identity.

What is your biggest struggle with bi-erasure in your relationship? Share your experience in the comments below!