Friendly Fire: Navigating Biphobia in Queer Spaces

It’s a cruel irony, isn’t it? As bisexual women, we seek refuge and solidarity within the broader queer community, often hoping to escape the erasure and judgment of the heteronormative world. Yet, too often, we encounter barriers, microaggressions, and outright biphobia—not from outside, but from within the very spaces meant to be our safe harbor.

This struggle is particularly painful because it forces us to feel invisible on both sides of the binary. But know this: You are not alone in this experience. Your identity is valid, and you absolutely deserve a seat at the table in the San Diego queer community.

The Common Cuts: What Biphobia Looks Like

Biphobia isn’t always overt hostility; it often manifests as subtle doubt or essentializing questions. In lesbian spaces, these common scenarios can be incredibly isolating:

• The “Tourist” or “Phase” Dismissal: Being told you’re “just passing through” or that you haven’t “fully committed” to woman-loving-woman relationships. This is often framed as: “Why are you still holding onto the straight option?”
• The “Safety” Question: Being questioned about your commitment to a partner because your attractions are wider: “Do lesbians date bisexual women? How can I trust you won’t leave me for a man?” This implies our partners’ gender determines our loyalty.
• The Straight-Passing Struggle: When you are married to or dating a man, you are often assumed to be straight, leading to bi-erasure. When you disclose your identity, the response is often surprise or disbelief, rather than acceptance.
• Gatekeeping: Feeling excluded from discussions, events, or groups because your experiences with male partners are deemed “too straight” or irrelevant to the shared lesbian experience.

These comments and attitudes minimize the very real lived experience of having attractions across the gender spectrum.

🧭 Strategies for Finding Your Place and Building Trust

Finding your sense of belonging often requires a blend of gentle self-advocacy and strategic community building.

1. Choose Your Battles Wisely

Not every microaggression requires a full teaching moment. In highly antagonistic situations, your best strategy is often self-protection.

• Set Boundaries: If someone’s questions are invasive or hostile, you are allowed to say, “I’m not going to discuss my identity with you right now,” and walk away.
• Reserve Your Energy: Prioritize educating the people who are genuinely open to learning—your close friends, partners, and welcoming community organizers—over strangers determined to cling to biphobic stereotypes.

2. Seek Bi-Inclusive Spaces (Not Just Queer Ones)

While lesbian spaces are part of the queer community, make sure you are also seeking out groups and organizations that explicitly affirm bisexuality, pansexuality, and asexuality (BIPA).

• Look for BIPA-Specific Events: Search for specific San Diego events that center on bi+ identity, even if they are infrequent.
• Focus on All-Inclusive Centers: Prioritize community centers (like the San Diego LGBTQ Community Center) that have visible programs and literature specifically for bi+ individuals.

3. Lead With Vulnerability to Build Trust

To combat the “tourist” stereotype, lean into your truth. In new queer spaces, you don’t owe anyone your full history, but sharing small, intentional moments can dismantle prejudice.

• Talk About Your Experience, Not Just Your Partner: Instead of just saying, “I’m married to a man, but I’m bi,” share how you came to understand your identity and the unique challenges you face. This is the common ground that builds kinship.
• Be a Bridge Builder: When you see another bi person struggling in a queer space, reach out to them. By creating micro-communities of support, you organically shift the culture of the larger group.

4. Create Your Own Anchor Here on the Site

The most reliable safe space is often the one you help cultivate. That’s what this online community is for! Here, we understand the specific nuances of being a Bi+ Girl in San Diego. We recognize the dual-sided invisibility and the need for a non-judgmental place to land.

📢 Your Voice Matters: Share Your Story

The best way to combat biphobia is to make our experiences visible and undeniable. We want to hear from you—anonymously, if you prefer—about where you’ve struggled and where you’ve found acceptance.

Have you encountered biphobia in a local queer space in San Diego? Or, more importantly, have you found a welcoming spot that others should know about?

👇 Jump into our dedicated, moderated groups right now and share your story. Let’s create a map of where we can truly belong. Sign In or Sign Up!