5 Flirting Tips for the Chronically Nervous Bi Girl
Let’s talk about the universal bi+ flirting experience, shall we?
You’re at a mixer in North Park, or maybe just grabbing a coffee in Hillcrest. You meet another woman. She’s incredible—funny, smart, and you feel that immediate spark. You’ve been chatting for twenty minutes, and you desperately want to let her know you’re interested in being more than just her new hiking buddy.
But then, The Fear kicks in.
What if she’s straight? What if I make it weird? What if I come off as predatory or creepy? I don’t want to be THAT person who hits on every girl they meet.
So, you swallow your feelings, compliment her earrings in a totally platonic way, and end up with another great addition to your friend group.
Listen, we have all been there. The struggle to differentiate between “women supporting women” niceness and actual flirting is real. Because women are socialized to be affectionate with friends, the signals get ridiculously crossed.
Here is your San Diego Bi+ Girls guide to shooting your shot respectfully, consensually, and without making things painfully awkward.
1. The “Soft Launch”: Drop Your Own Pin First
Before you even worry about whether she is into girls, you need to make sure she knows that you are.
If a straight woman thinks you are also straight, she will interpret your flirting as intense friendliness. If a queer woman thinks you are straight, she will likely be too respectful to make a move.
You have to signal that you are part of the community. You don’t need to wear a neon bi-pride flag cape (unless that’s your vibe, in which case, slay). Keep it casual:
- Mention an ex naturally: “Oh yeah, my ex-girlfriend used to love that spot in La Jolla.”
- Pop culture clues: Mention being obsessed with the L Word reboot or the latest Chappell Roan album.
- The visual cues: Sometimes a subtle carabiner, cuffed jeans, or a bi-colors bracelet does the heavy lifting for you. A bi flag sticker on your phone case can be displayed up or down!
If you drop a queer hint and she excitedly reciprocates with her own story, green light. If she gets stiff or changes the subject, abort mission.
2. The “Compliment Upgrade”
We compliment our friends all the time. “OMG, I love those boots.” “Your hair looks great today.”
These are safe, friendly compliments. To signal attraction, you need to upgrade the compliment from focusing on objects to focusing on her.
- The Friendly Version: “That’s such a cool jacket.”
- The Flirty Version: “You look really hot in that jacket.” (Use with caution and read the room!)
- A safer middle ground: Focus on her energy or smile. “You have such a positive vibe; you just light up the whole room.”
Notice the difference? One is about fabric; the other is about how she affects you.
3. The Eye Contact “Hover”
This is subtle, but powerful. In platonic conversation, eye contact breaks frequently. In flirty conversation, you hold it just a beat longer than usual.
Look at her while she’s talking. When you both laugh, catch her eye. The “triangle trick” is a classic for a reason: look at one eye, then the other, then quickly down to her mouth, and back up to her eyes. It signals that you are taking in her whole face.
4. The “Out” Clause (The Golden Rule)
This is the most important point in this entire post.
The reason many of us fear coming off as “creepy” is that we know what it feels like to be cornered by someone who won’t take a hint. We never want to make another woman feel that way.
The key to respectful flirting is giving her an easy, comfortable way to say no.
If you decide to be direct (which we highly recommend!), structure your ask so that there is zero pressure.
Do not say: “You’re so hot, we should date.” (Too intense, puts her on the spot).
Try this formula instead: [Compliment/Statement of intent] + [Invitation] + [The easy exit].
What it sounds like in practice:
“Hey, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you tonight and I think you’re fascinating. I’d love to take you out for a drink sometime—like, on an actual date. But if you aren’t into that, totally cool, I’m genuinely happy to just hang out as friends too. No pressure at all.”
Why this works:
- It’s clearly flirting. No “gal pal” confusion.
- It flatters her regardless of the outcome.
- It immediately relieves the tension by telling her that a “no” won’t destroy the dynamic.
5. Read the Room and Respect the “No”
If you drop a hint and she doesn’t pick it up? Let it go. If you touch her arm lightly and she pulls away? Give her space. If you ask her out and she says she’s busy/not looking/straight? Smile and say, “No problem!” and mean it.
The measure of a respectful flirt isn’t whether you succeed; it’s how gracefully you handle it when you don’t.
The Bottom Line
It is terrifying to put yourself out there, especially when the signals are confusing. But remember, she is likely just as nervous as you are.
Be brave, be respectful, give her an “out,” and shoot your shot. The worst that happens is you make a new friend. The best that happens? Well, that’s up to you two.
Happy flirting, San Diego!
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