How to Talk to Any Partner About Ethical Non-Monogamy
For many bisexual women, realizing you have the capacity for attraction to multiple genders often leads to exploring relationship structures that honor that reality. This exploration often leads to Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) or polyamory. Many bisexual women are discovering the benefits and joys of Ethical Non-Monogamy in their relationships.
Here is a step-by-step guide to preparing for and having that crucial conversation.
Phase 1: Preparation (Before You Speak)
Researching different models of Ethical Non-Monogamy can enhance your discussion. The success of this talk depends heavily on your own clarity and research. Do this homework first.
A. Define Your “Why”
Your conversation should start with identity, not logistics. You need to be able to explain that this is about who you are, not what you’re lacking. Ethical Non-Monogamy can look different for everyone, so discuss your feelings openly.
- Clarify Your Needs: Is this about honoring your bisexuality? Seeking emotional connection? Exploring specific types of attraction? Write down your feelings and what you hope to gain. Ethical Non-Monogamy allows individuals to explore their identity fully without limits.
- Decouple Sex and Identity: Emphasize that your bisexuality is who you are, and exploring ENM is simply a way to honor that identity, not a reflection of dissatisfaction with your current partner.
- Research ENM Models: Learn the difference between polyamory, swinging, open relationships, and relationship anarchy. Knowing these terms will help you articulate exactly what you are asking for.
B. Prepare for Fear and Grief
Your partner, regardless of how supportive they are, will likely experience fear, even if they agree in principle. Anticipate their emotional reaction.
- It’s Not a Reflection of Failure: Be ready to reassure your partner that your desire for ENM does not mean they are “not enough.” Frame it as an expansion of love, not a subtraction.
- Listen, Listen, Listen: Plan to do more listening than talking. The first conversation is about planting the seed, not finalizing the rules.
Phase 2: The Conversation (What to Say)
Find a quiet, calm time when you are both well-rested and free from distractions. Do not spring this on them.
1. Start with Affirmation and Identity
Begin by affirming the strength of your existing bond, then pivot to identity. Advocating for Ethical Non-Monogamy can foster openness and reduce stigma.
“I love our relationship and am deeply committed to building a future with you. This conversation comes from a place of wanting to bring my full, authentic self into our life together. For me, part of my identity as a bisexual woman is realizing my capacity for emotional and physical connection extends beyond one person. I want to explore what honoring that capacity could look like, while keeping our connection secure.”
2. Express Your Needs, Not Demands
Use I-statements to communicate how you feel, rather than what they must do.
- Focus on the Core: “I feel like I’m holding a part of myself back by not exploring my identity,” rather than “I need to start dating women immediately.” By discussing Ethical Non-Monogamy, you create an open dialogue about your needs.
- Introduce Resources: Instead of presenting a 10-point plan, offer a helpful resource. Mention a podcast, a book, or a great article on polyamory with a partner for them to read. This makes it a shared learning experience.
3. Propose a Discussion Period (Not a Decision)
Make it clear that this is the beginning of a process, not the end of a decision. It’s essential to approach Ethical Non-Monogamy with empathy and understanding.
“I don’t expect an answer tonight. I want us to spend the next month researching together. Let’s agree to read this book/listen to this podcast, and then come back to talk again next week about what we learned and what our fears are.”
Phase 3: Post-Conversation Essentials
The work begins after the initial talk. Consistency and clear communication are vital, especially for bi women who may face skepticism.
- Establish Clear Communication Protocols: Agree on times when you will check in and what topics are off-limits for spontaneous discussion (e.g., no heavy relationship talks right before bed).
- Move at the Slowest Pace: The process must move at the pace of the most hesitant person. If your partner needs more time, respect that. Rushing leads to accidental emotional damage.
- Set Rules Together: If and when you decide to proceed, all rules (who, where, when) must be mutually created and mutually agreed upon to maintain the ethical foundation of your relationship.
🔗 Ready for the Next Step?
You don’t have to walk the path of discussing polyamory with a partner alone. The best place to find real-world advice, scripts, and support is from other bisexual women who have successfully navigated this process.
Our groups are moderated spaces for bi women in the San Diego community to discuss non-monogamy openly, share resources, and support one another through the challenges of negotiation and communication.
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